I actually met Conan today!

It all started about a week ago when I was watching SNL (which I rarely do.) A commercial started saying that conan was coming to San Jose and you could enter a contest to meet him. Of course I entered, but was sure I wouldn't  win, which I didn't. Still I read the fine print and found out that he would be at the studio between 9:00- 11:30

 This morning I left feeling like I was going to meet him but, forgot my camera (dumb!) Thankfully I had my phone, but after that started thinking that meeting him would be too good to be true. I got to the station and waited with my aunt for a while. I actually went up to the intercom and asked if Conan would be there today. She said he would be at a station, but she wasn't sure if that would be here or San Fransisco.  Still I waited, I think she was trying to get me to go away because she also said that contestants had already shown up. So my aunt and I waited till about 9:20. One person drove up with red hair and a beard, but according to him he was just a lookalike and mentioned the strike beard in which I exclaimed, "Bring back the strike beard!"

I thought Conan had already gone in some back way, but after asking the Security person, he said that Conan would be coming through the front ^__^ At about 9:30 a nice SUV came straight up to the sidewalk. Very soon this tall man got out of the back. For a second I thought "That's Conan?" "That IS Conan!" *starstruck.*  Me being the only fan there at the time, he walked right up to me, shook my hand, and asked for my name.I also told him I was going to go to the Tonight Show once he became host. He also signed the poster I made and Conan shirt. My aunt was having trouble with the phone to get a picture, so he said "Let me help." ^^ He was in quite a rush, but I got a pic with him and after that he was pretty much gone. I was very satisfied and he's really nice and calm. He didn't seem super tall which is funny since I'm very short, but he did look really skinny and healthy. :P

The whole few minutes were much like a blur or dream.

I actually didn't stay long after that. I could have waited till he came out again, but he seemed in a rush and I didn't want him to think I wasn't happy with all the attention he gave me, which I was very happy with.

As if my life could not get any stranger, for the past couple of nights I've had dreams of Conan O' Brien.

Yes, Conan O' Brien.

What.

Well, I have been having more vivid dreams that I recall when I wake up, and dreaming of Conan is a nice change from dreaming of dave. Even greater is I actually wake up happy now and don't have as much trouble falling asleep at night. lawls.

I know the whole Conan O' Brien thing has come out of nowhere, but I've actually been a fan of him since Omaha 2004. I started watching his show to stave off my boredom at night. I found him funny and much more watchable than other talk show hosts. When I got back home I only watched him from time to time which I now regret. Last week I recorded the episode of him on the actor's studio and decided to watch an episode of the Late Show. I enjoyed it and recorded the next day. After that I was like, obsessed XD. I've been watching the episodes that air at night and clips online. (yay Hulu!) and this weekend I felt in with drawl because no new episodes aired over the  weekend. >_<

Oooh, soon he'll be moving to LA to take over Jay Leno's show. So if I don't see him aroud LA, (haha, fat chance) I'll get tickets to his show, someday, someday.

And yeah, he's 45, but I still think he's pretty cute. <3

www.post-gazette.com/pg/08360/937664-52.stm


awwwww ^_^

I just read some of my past LJ entries, and geez they're embaressing.

I sound like a big weaboo.

Anyway, Christmas was great this year. I was so happy to be home and got a lot of good loot. Got a couple of games, an iPod nano, and $200 macy''s gift card (snap!)

This last weekend I was yet again in LA for another clinic, it went well and I'm still relatively healthy. After the clinic my mom and I saw Yes Man and I got my hair cut really really short, I wanted something different. Unfortunately I think other people think I look younger now, even when I wear makeup. WTF.


the year 2008:

Staye​d singl​e almos​t the whole​ year?
All year.


Kisse​d someo​ne new?
Kissed no one, except on the cheek, but that wasn't someone new.


Done somet​hing you'​​ve regre​tted?​​
Yeah, but I try not to dwell.


Lost someo​ne?​​
Kind of.


Cut class​?​​
Sometimes I stayed home when I was feeling a little bad, but still good enough to go.


Were invol​ved in somet​hing you'​​ll never​ forge​t?​​
Fanime, Prom, Transplant.


Visit​ed a diffe​rent count​ry?​​
No


Cooke​d a gross​ meal?​​
A soy chese sandwich, but that wasn't my fault, blame the cheese.


Lost somet​hing impor​tant to you?
My old intestine (ha ha), Someone I love.


Tripp​ed over a coffe​e table​?​​
Knowing me probably. :P


Dyed your hair?​​
no, I wish!


Came close​ to losin​g your life?​​
I'd say no, I was taken well care of in LA.


Went to a party​?​​
Yeah.


Read a great​ book?​​
Of course!


Saw one of your favor​ite bands​/​​artis​ts live?​​
An Cafe, I kind of like them.


Did you meet any new frien​ds this year?​​
Yep.

Did you disli​ke anyon​e?​​
I don't think, maybe the people who my blood every morning at the break of dawn. And the nurse partner who made me empty my ostomy every time she stepped in the room.


Did you grow apart​ from anyon​e?​​
Most of my friends from summer, someone else.


Do you have any regre​ts when it comes​ to your frien​dship​s?​​
Yeah, I wish I had kept in touch more.

2008:​​ Your BIRTH​DAY!​​

Did you have a cake?​​
I had a cupcake.


Did you have a party​?​​
Kind of.


Did you get any prese​nts?​​
Becoming an outpatient from the hospital, PSP, and Heavenly Creatures (movie).

2008:​​ All about​ YOU

Did you chang​e at all this year?​​
Inside and out.


Did you chang​e your style​?​​
Yep!


Were you in schoo​l?​​
Some of the time.


Did you get good grade​s?​​
When I was attending classes.


Did you have a job?
No.


Did you own a car?
Not yet, once I get my permit. (I know I'm slow)


Did anyon​e close​ to you give birth​?​​
My sister will very soon. (At the most a week until she has her.)


Did you move?​​
To LA for three months.


Did you go on any vacat​ions?​
LA was like a vacation to me:P


Would​ you chang​e anyth​ing about​ yours​elf now?
Sure, but I'm still happy with myself for the mostpart.


2008 WRAP UP:

Was 2008 a good year?​​
It was pretty freaking good.



Do you think​ 2009 will top 2008?​​
I can only hope so, but perhaps not.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Got a transplant. Stayed off of TPN for more than a month. Prom.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I think it was the usual stay healthy. Resolutions have gotten kind of stale lately, I just want to live life to the fullest now.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My sister is due anyday.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

no.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

The knowledge of driving. High school Diploma. A body without tubes and holes. A heart that isn't broken.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Fanime, May 31st (prom) Oct, 2nd(transplant.)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Participating in Fanime's kareoke contest, thus losing most of my stagefright. Making it through transplant.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Prom and my inflated expectations.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

2 months in the hospital.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I don't know, maybe my prom dress, it was pretty :3 Also, fanime tickets.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My mom, she was there with me in the hospital every day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The general population :P

14. Where did most of your money go?

Video games, didn't have to pay medical stuff (thank god!)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Prom, Fanime, Transplant. *yes I see a pattern.* Seeing TDK each time after my first viewing.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Not sure. :[

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?

A little of both, mosly happier.

b) thinner or fatter?

fatter
c) richer or poorer?

The same I guess.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Read more, kept up contact with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Stay up late, Sleep in, angst over love, Computer.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Spent it with the family eating and opening presents ^^

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?

I continued to be in love in 2008.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Family Guy.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Nah, people annoyed me, but not enough to hate.

24. What was the best book you read?

A tie between Lolita and Atonement .

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Muse, Stars,

26. What did you want and get?

PSP, Transplant.

27. What did you want and not get?

Xbox 360 :P A goodnight kiss on prom, and not one on the cheek, plzkthnx.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

You have to ask? The Dark Knight!

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

19, Ate a cupcake, watched a couple of movies, and became an outpatiatent.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

More love from a certein person. A real kiss.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

More makeup, earrings, less hair.

32. What kept you sane?

The internet.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Heath Ledger, Robert Pattison.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The presidential election was pretty cool.

35. Who did you miss?

Family, friends, Dave.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Joseph!, Nichole!,

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Love deosn't exist like in the movies.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

" A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell."

Tomarrow I'll finally be back home in San Jose! Yay!

Still, I can't believe the transplant is over and done with, the journey's not, I'll have to keep up with certain things pretaining to my health. But, I am overall more healthy, normal, and have less medical crap to deal with. Not all that much has happened since I went over to the Tivertion, saw a couple of movies, shopped a bit, but it was still fun. And the Tiverton is nice to stay in, they have free breakfast and tea. Mmmm, tea, my new vice, I have 2-3 cups a day, but I can only have herbal, non caffineited tea. When I get back home I want to hang out with people, but I don't really have any people my age to hang out with. *emo*

I'll list pros and cons of this experiance I've gone through.

Cons:

An assload of pills to take each day, some which must be taken at a certion time to prevent rejection, I also take pills 5 times a day. o_O

Ostomy: the less said the better I'm sure.

Right now I have to be careful with what I eat, no sugar, lactose, or *gasp!* cheese. Oh the humanity. I also can't eat raw food, but that's ok:P

My immune system is pretty much shot, so I am more likely to get really sick. Watch, I just know when I'm an old lady I'll die from some cold or flu. Better, than what my lifespan was looking to be before ^^;

Pros: I no longer have a birth defect, no more gastroschesis, no more crap intestines. I still can't believe it.

I can actually eat something and gain energy and all the good stuff. Goes both ways though, I mean I have to stay away from junk food more now unlike before where I could eat whatever and not be worse for the wear.

I am only allowed to drink bottled water, this can be a pain in the ass and doesn't do well for the earth, but I've always liked bottled water more anyway. ^^;

Don't have to go back to school till the spring because it's cold and flu season and my doctor said so. So hah!

Ostomy will be taken out in three months or so, hopefully before I go back to school. Thank god it's not a permanent thing.

I can walk and do physical things without feeling wiped out the rest of the day, plus I look more full of life and healthier than before.

I've met a lot of great people and have a great cause to suppport, Organ transplants.
 

MMmmmm yes, I did get TDK on DVD, and it is just as amazing as I remember it being.

Also, dis:
ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoGuoXuLmsk

Yet again I haven't written for awhile. Turns out I am now an outpatient from the hospital. I got out on my 19th birthday. I got out late, but the day was still fun nonetheless. For lunch I had half a pastachiio cupcake (YUMMM) and watched Wall-e. My social worker from San Jose and brother also showed up with a PSP for me ^__^. I must admit that the Tiverton is not as nice as the private hospital rooms and I miss all the nice nurses and child-life people, but it's good to be out in the real world again. I feel all the more healthy for it. 

Other various things that have been going on:

A week ago I met Carie Ann Inaba from Dancing with the Stars. I am not a huge fan of the show, but it was still cool to meet a celebrity. She was launching a dance therapy class for the hospital. I ended up with an autograph and a picture with her. TV cameras were also there, and I got interviewed, but I don't think I'll be on tv. I probably looked too healthy, the viewers wouldn't be able to pity me as much. XD


I'm eating all kinds of foods again. I freaking love bananas, am addicted to them. I just have to stay away from sugar and lactose, which means cheese. Which means no more pizza and grilled cheese till my body gets more used to my new organ. *angst*

I'm 19...What.

I've actually started wearing makeup, another what, but I feel like a whole new woman so it's time for some changes.

I am currently addicted to scrabble.

I was taken off TPN about a week ago and seem to be doing fine. YAY.

This weekend should be fun, my aunt from San Francisco is coming down and we'll be going to see a comedy show in Hollywood, the comic will be Patton Oswalt who voiced Remy in Rattatouie, which I love.

Woot!

More progress has occured with me. In fact, after all the roadblocks I've faced, I finally feel like I'm making a lot more progress. The only big problems I've had since last time I wrote, was that I was stooling out a lot and various reactions to the medicines I've been taking. My progragph medicine (which prevents rejection) makes me shaky, which can be really annoying when I'm trying to do detailed work. Another medicine is Imodiom, which slows my bowels a little bit. That causes me to itch all over which was driving me up a freaking wall until they gave me another medicine, and thankfully I'm no longer on Imodium.

The best thing that has happened to me lately, and the reason why I feel like I'm making true progress is that I was finally given the go to eat! Sure, right now I can only eat what consists of the "BRAT" diet, (Bananas, rice, apple sauce, and toas) but damn does it taste good for not eating in such a long time. I'm going to take what I can get. And I really enjoy the banana and toast I get. Sadly, the rice is pretty much devoid of flavor. I have noticed that since I got my transplant, my appetite has increased. Or maybe I should say that I'm less picky now, I'm more willing to eat things I wasn't before. I mean, I use to be kind of meh about bananas, but now I love them! I kind of want one now XD. Ooooh, and the doctors have said that I can have a cupcake on my birthday! ^__^

So other than that not too much has happened, although during this whole experience I have met a lot of nice people. All my nurses take really good care of me and I feel like I've made friends with them and the doctors. I also met another patient here. His name is Ceaser and he had a heart transplant two years ago. Sadly he's waiting for another one, but I'm sure he'll do fine. Every couple of days I'll go and visit him. It's nice to know someone who not only went through a transplant like myself, but is also pretty mature.

P.S. I had my first solid BM *ever in my life* today, I got so excited I took a picture. Yes I am a fucking weirdo. ^^; 

I'm still doing well here, but am also still in the hospital. Yet again I hit another speed bump. I developed a pretty high fever over the weekend. I also started stooling a lot which are both common signs of rejection or infection. Thankfully I was given some steroids and antibiotics which have seemed to help. My fever is gone and I'm not stooling a lot anymore. In the meantime I got another scope and took a placebo. The placebo was to see if a pill could go through my whole bowel, which thankfully it did. Tomarrow I'll be taking a camera endoscopy. It's another pill the size of the placebo (big) that has a camera on one end. It'll take 50,000 pictures of my bowel. o_O. I've been keeping myself fairly entertained with videogames, books, and crafts. My brother came by today and we played Little Big Planet. (So fun!) Halloween is coming and while I'm a bit dissapointed I won't be able to dress up as the Joker, I'll get candy and stuff, so that should be kind of fun at least.

Ah, I'm feeling really good and healthy today, the best I've felt in two weeks since my transplant. Not much happens here day to day. I've mainly been lying around playing watching game shows on tv and reading wank/fanfiction on the internet:P I also brought my PS2 from home so and some games. Right now I'm replaying Psychonauts which is soooo fun and good. Tomarrow my brother is coming over and he plans to bring his PS3. For being in the hospital I'm having a pretty good time. Thankfully, I think I'm over the hardest part of this whole process. Whelp, back to my fanfic. ^_^

Yes, I haven't written in a long time, but I at least have a good reason. On October 1st at 7:30 am just as I was laying down to catch a few more minutes of sleep before school my phone rang. I, with slight annoyance picked it up. A lady on the other end said she was from UCLA and that there was an intestine waiting for me. For about 5 minutes my mom and I kind of freaked out. Yes, we had been expecting this, but for it to be a reality was kind of surreal. We had only about an hour or so to get all our stuff together and head for the airport. The cool thing is that we got to take a private jet. It was really nice, but one of the weird things about that was there wasn't any security we had to pass through. We went out of the SJ airport, but it was kind off to the side where all the private jets took off. We're talking the kind of jets that wealthy buisnessmen use. Of course, I only ended up in a medical jet, but it was still pretty nice.
After landing in LA I was taken by ambulance to UCLA and admitted. The way these things work I guess is to make sure the recipient arrives well before the harvesting of the organs. Because of that, it wasn't until around 3 am that I had my transplant. As you can imagine the next couple of days I was pretty drugged up, but everyone thinks I recovered really well. Of course, I'm still in the hospital and still in the ICU.
I'm recovering really well and only had one slip up. Last Saturday I was walking to my bed from the bathroom I suddenly felt like I was being given anesthesia and was going to faint. Turns out I had a blood clot and was bleeding internally. I wound up getting 4 pints of blood through transfusion. Thankfully, the clot has come of and is floating around in my bowels somewhere. Overall, today I'm doing good. Well, I'm getting tired of typing all this so I'll go for now, but I'll probably have more to update with later on.

I have now been in school for an entire week and amazingly enough its not half as bad as I was expecting. The worst part is at the moment I have six classes so the days feel pretty damn long. T_T Schedule is the same except I dropped AP english and replaced it week Junior english. I know fail. But, other than the fact that being in a junior class makes things feel dumbed down, I love almost all my classes. I really like AP Environmental science, I feel like I'm learning something in there for once. English= bleh, but that's only for a semester. Then I have possibly the best class ever! Film studies with Mr. Ajilouny. He's so awesome. When you walk into his class there are the Beatles posters all over the walls. He likes Star Wars too, and TDK :P. We basically watch movies in the class, but we've mostly disscussed them which is just as fun. I also have economics with Mr. Miller who makes me laugh every day. Well, I'm tired and its three which means I get to go home from school (where I'm writing this.) yay!

Today was fun which it better have been since it was my last day of summer and all.  I woke up at 8 because I had a doctors appointment. After that I got my blood drawn. I also had another appointment made that day to get a breast exam because *warning possible too much info* one of my breasts has been feeling harder than the other.  I was guessing its just because of all the scar tissue from IVs and what not. Turns out that its probably nothing and is quite common in women my age. I still think its scar tissue, but the doctor (who was a guy, of course) said to just watch out for any changes. Sadly, that appointment consisted of the most intimate experiance I've had with the opposite sex, I know its a doctor and I'm lolling over it more than anything, but still this equals fail. Ok, actually no. I'm not really into that kind of stuff, it kind of squicks me a bit, I just like hugs and hand holding and snuggles :3. Seriously though, please don't think me a creep because I wasn't thinking naughty thoughts while in the appointment I just think its typical of my life that my first time being felt up is in a hospital. Stop looking at me like that.

After the hospital shenanigens, I cashed in my check for taking the DeAnza class and then went to gamestop and bought a brand new white PS2 slim. My old one bit the dust a few months ago so it was about time I replaced it. I love how its white and the joy that emenated from my small body was huge when I put in FFIX and it loaded withougt a disc read error.

Later that day Alexandra came over and we played Devil May Cry, ordered pizza, and watched 300. 300 is EPIC. I'd never seen it before, but its almost as good as TDK. almost. I already want to watch it again. And hey, it has a bunch of hot man flesh and sexual innuendo between men, fuuuun ^__^

Oh god, school starts tomarrow *cries*

I'm watching the closing ceremonies of the Olympics right now. So epic. The whole games were really epic this year. Sucks that its over, it gives me such a melancholy feeling because for two weeks the world comes together and now its over. Gah! I wish I could go back to a month ago. The past month has been truly epic woth  And China really pulled all the stops with these games, like holy crap. Yeah, London? Have fun one upping China in four years, cause I have a feeling you're gonna be pawned.

So school starts the day after tomarrow which is bluntly a big fucking do not want. But what can I do? I guess the worst part for me is that I got stuck with six periods unlike the last two years where I only had four. I know I probably sound like a brat complaining about this cause most high schoolers have full days, but I get really exhausted by the end of only four periods, and who doesn't like to get away with more free time? Hopefully I can handle it without collapsing at the end of everyday, but if not I think I could drop a class or two since I actually am taking more classes than I have to. (thank you college class.) This is also the first year I'll be taking AP classes, I feel smart! I hope I don't live to regret it. My schedule will be:

1. Guided studies
2. AP Enviornmental Science (I am a nerd because I decided to take this instead of an easy elective, but the teacher is great too.)
3. AP Language
4. Film Studies (This is the class where I plan to geek out and annoy people with my fangirling over how TDK and LotR are the best movies EVAR! :P)
5. Economy first sememster/ Govt. second. I know more bitching, but why couldn't I have gotten government while all the election stuff is going on? Gawd.
6. Guided studies

So if you couldn't tell how obsessed I am with the Joker by now, you should be able to tell by my ultra smexy layout. I needed a change and just wasn't feeling the more romantical layout I had. I'm kind of burnt out on romantic stuff at the moment. The Joker is now my computer and cellphone wallpaper, LJ layout, shirt of choice, well he's taken over my life pratically XD. But this means my life is good. I'm going to see TDK for the fourth time tomarrow, so I'm pretty excited about it. Related to Batman, my new OTP/crack pairing is totally The Joker/Batman. Usually I don't go for non canon slash pairing, but something about these two together turns me on. It would be such a dysfuntional and one sided relationship. Batman would be so conflicted. ^^; Of course the one fandom I pick to slash in has a ton of Harley Quinn/Joker shippers. Yeah, they look cute together, but I still need to watch the animated series to determine if I'm into it. Still, when I see pics of them together it seems weird to see Joker give anyone the kind of affection he does to Harley. I would think Joker would be all about abuse and torture, etc. Like, I don't believe he has it in him to really love anyone, but maybe I don't know enough about his charactar yet.  Makes it even worse the crush I have on him huh? :P

Also, lol, I've been reading over earlier LJ from a couple of years. God, I was such an emo teenager. Seriously, every post alternated between fangirling and ansting over Dave and our ~eternal love~ I was confessing to him in like every post. Thank god that I believe that stage of my life is over. Hopefully he doesn't come into my life again anytime soon because hes like a drug to me and I don't need another hit.Seriously, since I've come a bit to my sense and realized that he has actually moved on I've been able to fall asleep a lot easier and ealier and in turn feel healthier. I think my appetite has increased too, which is good. And I've been laughing a lot more too ^__^

  Interesting weekend so far so I thought I'd write about it a bit. Yesterday I had my graduation ceremony for the DeAnza summer bridge program I was taking. It was pretty fun and I'm really glad I took time to go for six weeks over the summer. I actually had a life for a bit and made friends who live kind of near me. *shock* The ceremony was great because I decided I was going  face my stage fright and sing in front of everyone. Glad I did because pretty much everyone told me I was a great singer and I got a lot of applause ^__^ I'll really miss seeing all my friends every day. 

After that, mom and I headed to the airport. I'm actually writing this from LA because I had another doctor's appointment this morning for my transplant. So our flight was supposed to leave at 6:30 but got delayed for 2 hours. oro. We didn't get to the hotel till 10:30. fail. Today made up for it though. My appointment was at 8 and really boring. But after that I dragged my mom to go see The Dark Knight. Her first time, my third ^^ We went to a really old but beautiful theater. It had only one screen but there were like 500 seats. Sadly only about six other people were in the theater with us, but it was only the matinee showing. God, it was so good. Mom even got into it, whenever the Joker was about to blow up something or hurt someone she was like "uh oh" and she jumped at a lot of the loud explosions :P everyone loves this movie, including me. And I've realized that I completly have a crush on the Joker. for srs. I'm kind of embarressed to admit it and I don't want people to think that I approve of killing etc. But he is just so badass, and hot. I love how he never takes life too seriously. Yes, I'm a fangirl, sue me.  Still, at least I'm not angsting over a real guy anymore, liking a fictional charactar is a lot less painful. Sucks that Heath Ledger is dead though, I want more Joker. :(  

Also, I bought a fedora. I win ^__^

I wish I could yell out everything I wanted to say, but you'd never hear, because you aren't listening. I hate that you led me on, gave me false hope. But I could never actually hate you. Still, why did you have to act like you love me when you didn't? Why did you have to act like you cared about me in that way when you couldn't have? Why did you have to hold my hand and kiss me when you would stop as soon as you found someone else who could do everything I could do, just everyday instead of every once and awhile? It makes me feel used, like an object. It hurts. Now when I think about you, my heart aches. I would do anything to change things, but you can't change someones heart. I know this is emo, but I don't care, because I have to get it out, it's seriously eating me up inside. I try to forget about it, and about you, but I can't, you never forget your first love.

Reading shoujo manga has made me sad. :(

My heart feels as though it has been torn out, put in a grinder, served in a meat pie, eaten, digested, crapped upon, flushed down the toilet and burned.

Lovely yes?

But I suppose this is what happens when you love someone for six years and then are replaced. And I don't mean to sound bitchy or mad because I'm only mad at myself. But it hurts, it hurts bad, it's the most painful thing I've ever felt(although I may just be overeaccting a bit). What do you do when you've constantly thought about someone the past six years and then find out that they didn't feel the same way? Couldn't have felt the same way because if they had they never would have been able to let you go. Ouch.

Thank god for prozac and the internet, srsly.

Edited: June 09th: Feeling better, still love my life, and though I am sad over this I have to just keep going.

Besides, summer has started :3